Positivity!

So…. after Sunday was over and done with and I had spent a good time with my mum. Who, I might add, knew that I had been crying immediately as soon as I sat down! Mother’s are so amazing aren’t they, they just KNOW! I can only hope that if I become a mother, I am just like my mum, because she really is one a trillion billion million. I shrugged it off and blamed it on the dog anyway for getting her nose up all in my eye, but don’t think I quite fooled her haha I’m feeling strangely positive at the minute. I always feel this way (cue TMI) after AF has come and gone. I guess it’s the ‘new month, new start’ feeling i’m sure others in my position also feel. Don’t know why, because after 6 years there’s an unbelievably teeny tiny atom of a chance that anything may come of it naturally, but I suppose it’s just a comfort knowing that we’re doing all we can in the meantime. It’s super easy to get sucked into the self-destructive thoughts of why you can’t have children, why something or someone picked you out of everyone to have a struggle with fertility, how last month you could have done so much more to help, the list goes on. It is SO easy. And once just one of those thoughts passes at lightening speed through your brain you’re right into a downward spiral until you manage to pick yourself up again. It really is a monthly struggle, a monthly time loop that (most of us) can pinpoint to the days it’ll happen. But you know what, it’s okay. It’s okay to feel like complete rubbish some days, it’s okay to not want to get out of bed and consider pulling a sicky because you don’t want to smile today. Why? because we are human. We are grieving for a loss, although it may not be a ‘real’ person we are grieving. We are grieving & trying to come to terms with the thought that something we have wanted for so long, in most cases since we were children, has been kind of taken away from us. We do feel like it’s our womanhood sometimes, sometimes we don’t feel like a proper woman because our bodies haven’t done what all our friends/families seem to do without trying. People who haven’t been through it don’t know this feeling. But we really are, we are part of the strongest, most courageous group of women, along with the women who have also been through battles, but battles unlike ours. We should be proud. We, and our partners, have been through so much heartbreak, so much pain and desperation but we have pulled through it all and continue to do so every month despite the comments some people make, or the ‘helpful’ repetitive suggestions some make. We can smile when really we feel so down and so upset, we have hope that we will one day have what we have only dreamed about, we’ve shared happiness with others close to us if they have become pregnant or given birth whilst inside we were so jealous, and most of all, through everything, we have stayed together with a love so unreal and strong! I’m lucky, because I have a chance. I have 1 round of donor egg IVF on the NHS and fingers crossed, only need to pay for my medication. Hopefully I only need 1 round. But so many other women have no chance like mine, and there’s not one day that i’m not thankful for my luck. And not one day passes when I don’t think of the above women. I feel they are much more courageous than I can ever wish to be!! I’m off to find some hobbies now….. because I need to start up painting, or knitting, or sewing or something!

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