I thought that i’d write a blog post to say i’m still here! I have genuinely sat down at least once a week and thought about creating a post, thinking about what to put.
I’ll admit, 90% of those posts would have been about my struggle with being infertile. I’m not going to put a bow on it and make it pretty. I’ve struggled. Jon and myself, by some sheer miracle, managed to fall pregnant with our very first ever IVF cycle. The only one that was funded by the NHS. That’s some luck isn’t it?!
When we had Evie, I can honestly say I have never been so happy and thankful in all my life. She completed us. She was absolutely gorgeous, totally worth all of the heartache and pain we had gone through for the 6 years prior. She is still our whole world. I love her so much I literally can’t put it into words. She makes me laugh, cry, smile and yawn every single day! She’s now a crazy 1 (nearly 2?!?!) year old. Her little personality is really starting to shine through. I can make funny faces and she giggles with me, she’ll laugh when I laugh, she’ll come out with some random broken sentences! And she’ll pucker up for a kiss….on her terms of course.
And this is going to sound ungrateful. online bullies look away now because I odn’t need your opinions!
This is going to sound terrible to anyone who is in the same position we were before Evie brightened up our lives. But we long for another child. We have always planned for 2 or 3 children, even before we knew fertility would be an issue. I guess that has never left the back of our minds. We thought that when Evie came along the world of infertility would be left behind and we would never have to think about the awful circle of negative tests each month, and the heartache of each pregnancy announcement.
You know what? It did. Evie was so much our world that those memories faded away the moment she entered this world. But we planned to go back to Nurture when Evie was around 1 year, to have another round of IVF to use the frozen embryos we had from Evie’s cycle. A true, genetic sibling for our beautiful little girl. It’s the least we could do after she made our lives so much happier and truly worth living.
Who knew that saving money goes out of the window when you have a child?! We have been living paycheck to not even paycheck. There’s no chance we could save over £2,500 for IVF. It’s not a lot at all in IVF terms because we don’t pay for the donor side on this next cycle, but it’s a lot for anyone who doesn’t have residual income. Then there’s the fact that we may need additional drugs to down reg, or the whole treatment may come to a little extra than we had planned.
We have no credit cards or loans, and we don’t have much credit history to give us good standing ones either.
We began trying for a natural baby again around when Evie was 3 months old. We knew deep down that I wouldn’t get pregnant, but a few months I had so much hope. All of those Contraception talks by health professionals “But you know you’re really fertile after having a baby”, I guess they got my hopes up.
We quickly fell back into the infertility hole again. Every month I have sat waiting for the inevitable to happen, and to start it all again for another month. My heart has been broken on every birth and pregnancy announcement and i’ve cried about it all just as much as I used to before Evie. I sound ungrateful for what I have….i’m not. I’ve just slipped back into the infertility zone and guys, it’s HARD. It’s hard whether you have no children, or 1 or more children! That feeling never leaves like I thought it did. It never goes away no matter how ‘complete’ you think you feel. I love Evie so so much but i’m desperate to give our embies a chance at being 1 or more little humans dancing around and singing with Evie. I want to give her the brother or sister she deserves, because she’d be amazing at being a big sister.
A few of you know about how the online friends I made in our “May babies” facebook group, when I was pregnant with Evie, raised a huge amount of money (in complete secret!) to give us a chance at IVF one more time. I have a draft post written up as a thank you, but I keep adding to it! These girls have been there for me and each other through everything. I love them as family and wish I could meet every one of them in person ❤
On that May Babies group, there have been so many women become pregnant again. Some very soon after our little May babies were born, and some this year. Some have had devastating news on their pregnancies and some have given birth.
The birth announcements keep rolling in and as selfish as I sound, i’m literally fighting back the tears on every.single.one. How bittersweet is it that you can feel so so happy for someone, but feel broken, angry, upset and despair for yourself.
I’m not as active on there right now. My head isn’t in the right place, I just feel every time I go on i’m reminded in some way of how different our journeys to baby are. How some are getting babies, and how, even when we have our next IVF, there may not be a baby waiting for me at all on the other side. Evie may be our end of the beautiful, choatic, heartbreaking, road of TTC. I speak in general here, not about the may group, but so many women complain about TTC for 3 months. Some 6 months. On average, it takes one year of careful timing each month to conceive. I sit and think how positive I was when I had been TTC for 3 months. The excitement, positivity and freshness just seems completely different to what some people portray. 3 months is nothing compared to our 6 years. We tried for 72 times longer than them, and ended with IVF.
I just hope they know how much I love them all! How grateful I am for the gift they have given my family, and how i’m not being absent, i’m just secretly hurting, a lot.
I say this all the time on my facebook profile, but for anyone going through anything similar to me and my family, know i’m always here. I’m someone who knows the heartbreak, knows the heartbreak of birth announcements, and someone who is more than happy to be a shoulder or an ear.