Yesterday I had what I thought was a routine appointment to have a scan of my bones to check for osteoporosis. I was wrong.
It was a consultation with funnily enough the same Dr who runs my fertility clinic Nurture- James Hopkisson. He’s always really lovely, he knows his stuff and you feel you can always talk to him about anything. Last time I saw him was when we had been referred for tests just before Nurture. I had my hormone levels checked and he said that I was entering the menopause again and that normal IVF wouldn’t work as the drugs wouldn’t stimulate my ovaries enough, so if we were to go down that route it would be donor eggs. This time, I felt like there was no messing around. He basically said, a letter is going to my GP to prescribe me HRT & to give me regular check ups to manage my tablets. I needed a blood test that day to check my FSH,LH, oestradiol, thyroid,calcium & vit d. No idea why the calcium or vit d? But I didn’t argue. I also need the bone scan asap. He asked if we had any embryos frozen, like he was confirming that we have a back up for future rounds.
I am gutted. I haven’t had chance to see if my body will go back to normal! It’s literally like “right you’ve had the baby now straight onto HRT” going off the blood results from before IVF. I’m day 3 of my first proper cycle since Evie was born, so my body has kicked in naturally and I thought that would count for something, but obviously not. We were looking forward to spending the next year ‘trying ‘ & saving then going back to Nurture if we weren’t successful. Easing our mindset into it rather than going head first into a wall like we did last time.
Overnight I have literally snapped back into my old thoughts. I’m jealous of any pregnant woman & I’m jealous of the parents who haven’t tried. I am in no way ungrateful for Evie. She is the most amazing thing that has ever happened and I would hate to think of her not being my partner in crime anymore. She is my life & I live every day to see her precious little face I really do. But I was looking forward to trying naturally. I want the excitement couples get when they go “oops I’m late, better test!” I want to be normal. I loved IVF, I loved the control it gave me over my body, which I haven’t had since I was a child. The appointment yesterday made me realise that I’ll never really gain that control back. I’ll never be a ‘normal’ 24,25,26 year old. I’m going through the menopause again. Nothing can stop it. My body has given up just like my other consultant said it would. The tablets I stopped taking when I was 16 I have to take again, every day, for the rest of my life! I know that although I’m regular it doesn’t mean that I can have children, James said before that my egg quality are quite possibly really bad. I just can’t get my head around being menopausal and still having normal, regular cycles! Previously when I was on HRT I was very irregular. Before IVF I was regular (even with weird blood results) and now I seem to be too.
The basic end line of this is that I don’t think I’m ready to close that part of my life yet. I’m not ready to give up. I want to hope for the next year and if nothing happens I’ll hold my hands up & admit that I need the HRT & IVF. I am hoping that my blood result come back ok, and that somehow he phones me to tell me not to take the tablets. I have had no hot flushes, no mood swings, nothing. I usually know if I need to go back on them by my mood. I actually went to the dr to say I needed them again previously, so I just don’t know what to think. Hopefully my results are ‘normal’ and he’s wrong.
Here it goes again!