1 year!

Timehop reminded me this morning that it’s been 1 year today since I received the drugs for our ICSI cycle. A whole year. I remember it like yesterday! I remember them being delivered to the office, I remember getting excited on the way home and laying them all out on a towel, looking through the plan of what to take and when and taking a pic. I was so unbelievably excited and nervous wondering if all those injections, pessaries and tablets would help us get our already loved baby. I had no idea what to expect. No one can quite prepare you for what will come in an IVF cycle, the disappointments and set backs or even after the cycle. 

I was inconsolable at the beginning. I needed donor eggs to have our child which meant that she wouldn’t be genetically mine. We would have to have IVF which meant injecting needles used ((a big phobia despite my medical history), it meant strict schedules with drugs, I simply COULDNT miss one. It meant keeping it all a secret from my boss, and lots of ultrasounds, again having to give my boss excuses for my medical appointments. It meant going through the menopause for the 3rd time but this time artificially. It meant the low moods followed by excitement and the confusion both of those brought. Most of all, it meant we had made the decision to put a little human first before both of us, whether or not this cycle was successful.

Knowing we had the best chance of becoming pregnant because everything was strictly timed, controlled and we were at one of the best fertility clinics in the UK just made me feel so safe and secure. I wasn’t worried so much about if it didn’t work out first time, although I was still worried….who wouldn’t be! But I knew that everything had been done exactly how it should have been and if I wasn’t pregnant on our official test day, then that was because of fate and not because of anything anyone had or hadn’t done. 

I still remember the 2 weeks I had off work after our transfer. We had our log burner installed the first week and I was so worried about the brick dust! I remember walking to the shops with a secret smile on my face as no one knew what we were going through, I was so so happy. I remember our transfer day. I remember me and Jon giggling getting into our scrubs and looking at our little embie on screen. I remember the 3 faces, the dr, the embryologist and the nurse. I remember the EXACT moment Evie was placed inside my uterus as a little embryo and the wave of emotions I felt at the moment. Then walking out into my mums car and her going ‘is everything alright….all done?!’ I still can’t believe that little embryo turned into our beautiful baby (who’s currently crying because she’s pooing right next to me!). The human body and biology is such an amazing thing and you just don’t quite realise it until you physically see it. 

Even in the most worrying situations I’ve always been positive. When I was diagnosed with cancer and going through chemo, I made an effort to be as happy as I could. And again with IVF, those 2 weeks in between transfer day and test day are the most worrying, nerve racking weeks ever. Much worse than a standard TWW. And the drugs in the run up really can take their toll. I firmly believe that positivity plays a major role in your ability to get through situations and influences the outcome greatly

To anyone reading this who is dreading their first cycle of fertility treatment please don’t worry. Although there were 6 years of heartache, I am so so glad that we had the opportunity to have our IVF. I was finally in control of my body and in less than a month I would finally have a little embryo inside me hoping it would attach! If I had the choice of getting pregnant naturally & having IVF again I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. It was such an amazing, exciting time in both mine and Jons lives I don’t think it’s something we could ever look back on negatively, none of it.

A few pics of Evie at 4 weeks old to end this post seems right 🙂 yep she does my lifty eyebrow thing!! Third pic shows it well. Wtf?! and in the 2nd pic is her trying to smile. Seriously so in love.

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