So we had our first IVF consultation at our clinic back in November/December. We were so excited afterwards, although I am still trying to deal with the fact that I will need to use donor eggs. I’m clinging onto the hope that maybe, if donor egg IVF is successful, that my body will return to normal and I can conceive naturally. A very long shot, but I still hope. Of course, a donor egg baby we are so thankful to have the opportunity to have, but i’m sure any man or women faced with having to use a donor would feel the same as me. It won’t be genetically mine, they may not have my personality, or my nose, or my eyes. It’s silly, but it really is a little heartbreaking. I’m on the slow journey to acceptance, i’m sure as soon as things start happening i’ll feel much better. I’m going to nurture this child and carry it for 9ish months…. it will be ours!
We’ve since had confirmation of our position on the waiting list to be matched to a donor, we have had blood tests for our blood types and CMV status, i’ve had 2 ultrasound scans and we’ve had implication counselling. I started taking vitamins, along with sea kelp to help with my POF and losing weight. We are literally waiting. We’ve been waiting for what, 4 months, and it feels like years. Our consultant has told us that we are looking at a wait of 9-12 months to find a match. That means we are probably only 1/4 of a way through our wait, if we don’t wait for longer than a year! WHAT!
Our future baby is already loved so so much. They’re not even remotely created yet, and he/she is so wanted, I can’t imagine what it’ll be like if we finally get blessed with a little baby in our arms.
I’m trying to think of things to do, hobbies to take up, to take my mind off the waiting. But I can’t think of anything! I’ve created a cleaning schedule, but that’s as far as I have got! I don’t have any friends (no seriously….. I genuinely don’t! I haven’t ‘socialised’ out and about since I was at college) and I live in a small village so there’s no one that I could hang out with. If anyone who magically comes across my blog and has been through this too, please please share with me what you did to take your mind of things! ANYTHING hobby wise i’m willing to try!
I think i’m driving myself insane. I know it’s natural to worry and for the whole thing to affect your life, it IS life chaning, but I really feel like when i’m at work it’s all I think about. We’re so close after 6 years, yet so far because we haven’t even been matched with a donor yet. I know it’s all worth it, if it all works out.
My OH has never been one to show his feelings, if we bicker he just makes things worse by not retaliating and walking off. So for the 6 years i’ve kind of been left with the worry that he just isn’t as enthusiastic as I am and is only doing it because I want it. But a magical thing happened when we went to our implications counselling…. he actually spoke about it all! When I had my ultrasound he was looking at my ovaries like it was the most amazing thing ever! The counsellor told him he needed to express more, and that we needed to talk. We have. That night we spoke bout everything, and since then we’ve passed baby shop windows, talked about the price and how nice a certain cot was, how we want to decorate the nursery and have been sending each other quirky baby grows we need to buy when the time comes (and ermmm even considered buying them now-oops!). I am so much happier knowing he WANTS this. I’m not pushing him into this, we have been trying and we’re in this together.
I just wanted to update this blog, because I wanted to document our whole journey through to our precious little baby, but i’ve been so upset and so busy that I lost my way a little these last few months. To our future baby…. we love you!!